Diabetes: My Constant Companion, Not My Identity #14

Deborah E
00:02:25

Welcome everyone, to another episode of DiabeticReal. And I'm your host, Deborah E. All right, this is an episode that will be a bit more reflective, retrospective. And I believe in being transparent.

I mean, this podcast is about the journey of diabetes. Well, it's more than that, but the stories that I share about my life, I do believe that I need to be transparent.

And if I'm going to share anything that's beneficial to you, whether you're a diabetic, whether you're listening to learn something, learning about how to approach your health, whatever it is that you may get out of this podcast, it's not going to be very helpful if I'm not being transparent. At least, that's how I'm looking at it. So, I do believe in being real and authentic, and that is who I am anyway.

But sometimes, you know, when you're being authentic and being real, you really have to dig deep and be raw. So this is one of those episodes. Let me start at the beginning.

As far as this past week, there's different facets of what I'm thinking about sharing with you, so we'll just jump in. That's a good place to start.

So I was reading, I was doing some research and checking out, you know, other diabetics, what are they doing, that sort of thing.

And I read a diabetic discussion area and I don't want to give details, even though as much as I'd like to share where I was reading, I don't want it to reflect poorly on anyone because I'm not saying anything that's negative, I'm simply sharing other viewpoints. But I don't want anything to be reflected in a way that's not beneficial.

So I'm just going to say I was on a discussion area and this gal was sharing something that actually is a bit comical. And I get it, I totally get it.

But she was sharing about how an endocrinologist, as we know it's a doctor, specializing in diabetes, will talk about how they're going to have a follow up appointment with a diabetic or with anybody, just a follow up appointment. And as you would know, a follow up has an F and a U. And I'm sure anyone that just heard me say that can know where that ends up.

If you say that a few times, you can probably get where I'm going.

Anyway, that was the comical aspect is that she thought how ironic that the, you know, the two letters for follow up also could be construed as how she was feeling about Diabetes. And she liked to tell diabetes to, as I quote, as F off. Okay?

And she had several remarks to that comment, and they're like, wow, you know, I'm so glad that you feel that way. I feel that way, and it's nice to know I'm not alone. And I thought that was great.

But I'm reading this going, I have never felt that way about diabetes.

So I was thinking about the podcast and I thought, I can't share that with you guys because you're going to think I'm either lying to you that I never felt that way, or most of the population is going to side with this gal in the discussion area. And then I thought to myself, wait a minute, Deb, what are you in some popularity contest or something?

Just because you have uncommon feelings about diabetes, does that mean you should not be real with the diabetic real listeners? I mean, the irony of that, of not being real with you guys and the name of the podcast is DiabeticReal. Okay, that's just wrong.

Now, I admit I'm an odd duck. I admit that, likely from a statistical analysis, my view of diabetes is uncommon.

So I'm going to admit right now, probably most of the population of type 1 diabetics are going to think, oh, yeah, I totally wanted to tell diabetes to F off, as this gal had posted in the discussion. And I'm not trying to be some saint. I'm not a saint. I'm the first person that's going to say there are that particular phrase.

I've used it for other things. So I'm not some saint that doesn't say that phrase or think that phrase or whatever.

And actually, Medtronic, as much as I love you, Medtronic, I have thought that for the pump, when the pump is going off, as far as blood sugars, and that was actually one of the things someone commented in the phrase about the pump and having like low blood sugars and having it go off. Yeah.

There have been days where the pump and I are not on the same wavelength and I've wanted to say things, but it's never been necessarily that because at the same time that I want to get upset with the pump, I think of all the times that the insulin pump actually has saved my life.

In spite of the podcast episode just a few weeks ago, a couple weeks ago, when I talked about how the insulin pump was trying to kill me, there's actually so many times, and this is why I still use the Medtronic insulin pump, is because in spite of that, that Dang. Insulin pump has saved my life. That's another episode that we got to give some credit to, this insulin pump.

But in spite of it going out so many times and being irritating, there's really more on the plus side for the insulin pump than there is in the minus. So kudos to Medtronic. Thank you for the mini Med pump. I have to say thank you.

But maybe that's why I'm not feeling this sense of wanting to go say nasty words to it. So again, Deborah's not a saint. Deborah has said nasty words to other things, but not diabetes and not the pump.

And I'm not in a popularity contest trying to compete with some discussion board that I haven't disclosed on this podcast. So moving along on that one, like I said, I have an uncommon relationship with my diabetes. Diabetes does not define me. I'm not Deborah E, the diabetic.

I'm Deborah E.

For instance, the musician, the award winning musician who's been number one as a jazz musician in Los Angeles and held that spot without dropping for over a year, who happens to have type 1 diabetes. It's just something that I live with. And you know, as I've mentioned, I think I've mentioned this in other podcasts.

I know I've mentioned it in write ups, but. So I was diagnosed with it at 6. I decided I was going to be someone in spite of diabetes.

In other words, yes, I'm diabetic, but I was not going to let diabetes stop me from achieving things in my life. And I haven't. I'm not going to give you the whole, I mean, I think that is in another episode. I have to double check.

But I'm not going to give you a whole laundry list of everything I've accomplished. But I feel that diabetes has not stopped me from accomplishing what I set out to do. So I'm not defined by diabetes. Do I have diabetes?

Yeah, but I'm not defined by it.

If you felt that you have diabetes and that has defined you, it is not too late in life to turn that around and say, you know what, that's not who I am as a person. The way I've looked at it is I think of diabetes as like this companion and I think of it as giving diabetes like a ride.

Like, what is that, Star Trek? I think my husband turned me into a Trekkie, Jetsia Dax, the little symbiont thing or whatever.

It's like you're coexisting and I'm picturing this diabetes. It's like we're like, coexisting. And I know that's not the case. Guys, do not call me up and say, your science is off and you're a kook.

I know I'm a kook, but I do understand what diabetes is. I'm just saying as far as living with the diabetes, it's like coexisting with this disease.

And I know that in the end, unless I get hit by a bus, God forbid, unless I get hit by a bus or some other thing, I know that in the end, diabetes is going to win. That's just a fact of life or, you know, some complication or whatever, but that's to diabetes credit.

But I don't look at diabetes as if it has it out for me. Like somehow it wants to kill me. And it's going to, you know, it has this negative opinion of me and it's going to do me in or anything like that.

It's this coexistent, this little battle back and forth, and it's like, all right, this day, I didn't happen to eat any food. For some reason, the blood sugar went really high.

And even though I exercised and even though I didn't eat any food, there's no real scientific explanation for why the blood sugar is high, but it is. It's like, all right, diabetes.

You know, I wouldn't say diabetes one, because I'm not even saying diabetes has an opinion and wants a high blood sugar. But, all right, that day didn't go the way we wanted it to go.

But it's a day by day kind of a sparring sort of a thing, and diabetes is a constant companion. Now, I'm not saying you have to have that opinion. I'm just saying that maybe that's a very juvenile way of looking at it.

But then again, I was six when I was diagnosed and that was how I coped. And to this day, it's just never been an angry opinion about diabetes.

Looking back, my father was kind of like, oh, no, what do I do with this diabetes thing? I don't understand it.

And your mother is going to school to become a nurse, so she's the one that should understand it, so she should take care of you. But then she was gone all the time because she was going to school to become a nurse. So my mother was like, well, it's your disease.

You need to do it. And even though I was just a little kid, it's like eight. You need to figure out how to take your own shots. And she wasn't wrong. I'm glad I did.

But even from a little tiny kid, it's like, hey, you need to go talk to your own teachers at school and take care of this, because it's your disease. I started managing everything from very young, very young. I mean, younger than. As a parent, I would have done it.

But looking back, it made me who I am today.

To be put in that position as a little kid, as a little elementary school kid, managing my diabetes the way a parent would normally do it and the way I've seen parents do it for other little children. And I talked to parents who. They do more of the management than the kid does. That's not the way it was for me. I actually managed it.

And I'm glad because it made me who I am today. And whether or not I have a strange relationship with the diabetes, I have a very accepting relationship that. That is where it's at.

So maybe I'm not telling the diabetes to F off, but I'm okay with being Deborah, the number one jazz musician who happens to have diabetes. All right, well, thank you for coming in and spending this time with me being vulnerable and more accurately, authentic and real on DiabeticReal.

And we will see you the next episode of DiabeticReal.